Balthazar, slayer of a thousand gods and countless lesser creatures, strode across the courtyard. The walls echoed with his heavy footsteps, and fiery wings blazed fiercely behind him, casting his shadow before him. Through his visor, his red eyes beamed, a single target in their sights: her.
Dressed only in a chainmail bikini, her serpent’s tail coiled about her leg suggestively, she stood out among the crowd. Her raven-black hair and elaborate tattoos added to her seductive mystique, and her golden lance warned any lesser men to beware her sting.
Luckily, Balthazar was no lesser man. Forged in the battlefields of Corzon, he had become renowned throughout Ragnar for his unparalleled strength, keen battle ability, and unmatched aggression. No woman, not even the legendary Karolina, could possibly match up to him. He who had wrestled the Giant of the North would not be dissuaded.
Balthazar stood in front of Karolina, his towering metal form dwarfing her petite body. As if by a forcefield, the space emptied around them. The square was silent.
“Would thouest likest to go on a date with me?” Balthazar rumbled.
“Yeah sure haha”, Karolina replied in her husky voice.
“Most excellent,” Balthazar replied. “Followeth me, if it pleases you.”
“Ok haha,” Karolina boldly replied back, and she followed him out of the courtyard as the stunned onlookers stared.
The two sat on the mountaintop, sheltered from the howling winds by the body of an enormous manticore. Around them was piled the gold that the beast had amassed through its reign of terror, including the magical crown of King Ultrix, worth a fortune.
“So what do you do?” Karolina asked, her words dancing out of her mouth. Balthazar was struck by how beautiful she looked. She had changed from a chainmail bikini into a tight fur dress, and it hugged her curves in a way that Balthazar hoped he could soon.
“Well, milady, I’ve recently becometh godking of the city of Totoro. I can take you there, if thou wishest.”
“No,” Karolina said, “like what about real life?”
Balthazar stared off into the distance. He owned this mountain, and the valleys surrounding it. He had won it through the strength of his will and his arm, and no man or beast could take it from him. He needed to show Karolina what he was truly like, so that she could love him.
“Karolina, let me showest thou my might,” he said as he stood up. “Watchest as I defeat an army using only my bare fists.”
“Um, ok,” she said.
“Very well!” Balthazar said, and he teleported them away.
Karolina and Balthazar stood on a hill. Below them was a huge encampment.
“Those are my fiercest foes,” Balthazar said. “But still, they are no match for me. Hold my sword.”
He gave Karolina his sword, and began to sprint down the hill. Holding the huge sword in her tiny fist, Karolina watched bemusedly as Balthazar crashed into the encampment like a wrecking ball, rolling up tents in his wake. By the time the men knew what was happening, Balthazar had impaled 10 of them on a pole, which he stuck in the ground. The rest surrounded him warily, and slowly closed in. Then Balthazar clasped his fists and struck the ground, and the ground turned over around him. The men fell to the ground, dazed, and Balthazar, quick as a cat, went to them one by one, quickly and efficiently snapping their necks before they had a chance to recover. Finally, there was only one left, whom Balthazar grabbed by the neck and hoisted with one arm. Then, still holding the man by his neck, he turned to Karolina and waved her down.
Balthazar ‘s arm was rock solid, unmoving, as the man weakly struggled in his grasp.
“Well, milady,” Balthazar said, “what do you think?”
“Idk,” Karolina said. “Can you just kill him though?”
Balthazar threw the man against the ground and stomped a hole in his chest.
“Art thou not impressed, Karolina?” he said.
“What do you do though?” she asked.
Balthazar sighed. His armor suddenly felt very heavy.
“I’m a Level II Support Engineer with IBM,” he said.
“Wait which site?” she asked, her fur dress whipping dramatically behind her.
“Rochester,” he replied.
“What floor level?” Karolina asked immediately.
“2…” Balthazar replied as Karolina turned white. He took off his mask to peer at her face more closely, the scars covering his cheeks underlying the savagery of his gaze.
“Jeff?” Balthazar asked, incredulously.
Karolina stared back at Balthazar, like she was peering through his very soul.
“Tiffany?” Karolina asked back.
They stood there in silence punctuated only by the distant moans of the dying and the gentle thumps of the impaled bodies falling off the pole.
Karolina/Jeff was the first to break the silence.
“So do you want to go on an actual date? Like, to a coffee shop or something?” she/he asked.
“Sorry,” Balthazar/Tiffany replied, snatching his massive sword from Karolina’s grasp. “I don’t date coworkers.”
And with that, Balthazar put his mask back on and, with one backhanded swing of his greatsword, beheaded Karolina. Before her head stopped rolling, he was gone, leaving only the body of his enemies and his failed romance in his wake.